There is no easy way to say this.
February 07, 2012
I've lost the baby.
I hate the terminology, you know? It doesn't really work. I lost the baby? It sounds careless. I've had a miscarriage? Hardly a word that encompasses the ultrasound image I saw yesterday, of a tiny body curled up, looking like a still baby bird, perfectly formed in every way we could see...except for the eerie stillness. And so shall I say that? The baby died?
That is too horrible, and I can't say the words.
But I don't suppose there is any words that would make it easier. Yesterday I went in for an ultrasound, at what was supposed to be 16 or 15 weeks gestation. Clay was with me, because I knew something was wrong. I'd demanded the appointment, unable to wait anymore for my scheduled ultrasound on Thursday. I lay on the table and gripped Clay's hand. The room was too hot.
Of course, I've already told you what we saw. The doctor adjusted the picture and asked me how far along I was supposed to be. I stammered on an on about 16 weeks strictly by dates, but my cycle tends to be long, so we thought closer to 15 weeks. It was like a nightmare, where you can't make yourself say the words that make sense.
And on the screen, my tiny, still baby, curled up and motionless.
"As you can see here," he motioned a circle on the chest, "there is no heartbeat. The size is what we'd expect to see in a twelve to thirteen week pregnancy. I am so sorry."
And oh, I am sorry too.
I keep wondering where I was, what I was doing when that life winked out.
"It's not your fault," Clay says. And yes, I know. I know. Only...what was I doing? How did I not know?
Last night we lay in bed, forehead to forehead, whispering. Tears leaked endlessly onto my pillow.
"Our life is good," I said, and Clay agreed. "It really is. Only...now, I don't know how I will ever stop being sad and live it again."
Clay says that I don't need to worry about that right now, and that maybe, for now, being sad is what we are supposed to do. I hope he's right, because it's about all I can achieve today.
Bless.
Posted by: Holly Gault | February 07, 2012 at 04:57 PM
Just because you can't see it from here doesn't mean it doesn't exist. Seems to me that you and I have pondered that idea, before.
Love you.
Posted by: Mir | February 07, 2012 at 05:15 PM
Hugs.
Posted by: Cheryl | February 07, 2012 at 05:24 PM
Love yall's way <3.
Posted by: Dani | February 07, 2012 at 05:25 PM
I'm so sorry. I've been through it, too, and there is no easy way for any of it. And with the so-called "missed miscarriage" I thought the same thing: How could I not have known? What I needed to know when I lost mine: he/she was real, and loved, and I am still his/her mother. Be good to yourself, and let others be good to you, too. Love and prayers.
Posted by: Lurker Jen | February 07, 2012 at 05:34 PM
Heartbreaking. Kira, I'm so sorry. Be anything you need to feel. It's unfair. Sending you all my love and holding your hand...
Posted by: Heather | February 07, 2012 at 05:54 PM
I'm so sorry. How utterly dreadful. Sending you love and prayers.
Posted by: Reb | February 07, 2012 at 05:57 PM
I am so so sorry. I've experienced the same thing, and being the mom of a larger family, you may have had the experience I had. Many people were crass - telling me I already had enough kids. I wondered how I'd dared to hope for just one more - and felt guilty for both the wanting and the loss.
Please be kind to you. I love you and would do anything I could from this distance. xoxoxo
Posted by: Carmen | February 07, 2012 at 06:30 PM
I'm so, so sorry.
Posted by: Carla Hinkle | February 07, 2012 at 06:33 PM
I am very, very sorry. You'll be in my prayers.
Posted by: Tina | February 07, 2012 at 06:44 PM
I am so sorry for your loss. Prayers
Posted by: Whitney | February 07, 2012 at 06:51 PM
Kira, I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope you can find peace. I'm sending prayers for you and your family.
Posted by: Julie in Austin (now Colorado) | February 07, 2012 at 06:55 PM
Oh, I am so sorry.
I think that just being where you are is what you're supposed to do right now.
Posted by: ccr in MA | February 07, 2012 at 06:56 PM
Just wanted to express my sympathies. I've been following your blog for a while, silently. Its kind of you to share such a personal story.
Best wishes. I admire your courage.
Posted by: Chana | February 07, 2012 at 06:59 PM
I am very sorry for your loss. I'll be thinking of you and your family.
Posted by: Angela | February 07, 2012 at 07:02 PM
Be sad. Grieve for the baby. You know as well as anyone that they are part of the family from the instant that stick shows 2 pink lines. Remember the family you have, include them in the sadness.
I am so sorry for your loss.
Posted by: emily | February 07, 2012 at 07:04 PM
I am so, so sorry.
Posted by: Heather | February 07, 2012 at 07:13 PM
I'm so very, very sorry. Be as sad as you need to be, for as long as you need to grieve. Just before your post in my reader was one from Julie Pippert, in which she says,
"When you are grieving, I told my friend Devra as we talked last night---the last day of our friend Susan's life--when you are grieving, I think you are insane, a little. Devra explained to me that in Judaism the literal translation for grief is "out of your mind," and you must give space to grievers to be out of their minds.
That’s right.
In the face of loss, people deserve space to be out of their minds. And they will get back in their minds in their own time, not when people are tired of their grief and ready for them to move on."
Take your time, dear Kira.
Posted by: Lise | February 07, 2012 at 07:17 PM
I am so very sorry to hear this. Love and prayers to you and your family.
Posted by: Amy | February 07, 2012 at 07:27 PM
Oh Kira. Oh no. I have stood exactly where you stand and I am so, so, so sorry to hear this.
It gets better. It takes a long time, but it gets better. I swear.
Til then, you will be very much in my prayers.
Posted by: Amy-Go | February 07, 2012 at 07:37 PM
I am so sorry the baby died. What a terrible shock and disappointment. I'm sad for all of you.
Posted by: Swistle | February 07, 2012 at 07:42 PM
I'm so sorry, so very, very sorry.
Posted by: Heather | February 07, 2012 at 07:55 PM
I am so very sorry. And praying for you, with tears and wishes that it were different.
Posted by: Tracy | February 07, 2012 at 08:05 PM
Been in your shoes mama, so sorry. Hugs and prayers...
Posted by: Shannon | February 07, 2012 at 08:10 PM
I'm so sorry. Wishing you and your family peace.
Posted by: Emily | February 07, 2012 at 08:25 PM
I am truly, terribly sorry... :(
Posted by: Thumper | February 07, 2012 at 08:33 PM
I am so sorry Kira. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
Posted by: Crista | February 07, 2012 at 09:10 PM
I am so sorry for your loss. I have been there too and the sudden loss of hopes and dreams are awful.
Posted by: Tracy | February 07, 2012 at 09:37 PM
So sorry, Kira. Praying for you.
Posted by: Jamie | February 07, 2012 at 09:55 PM
Oh God, no. I'm so sorry. Wishing you all comfort.
Posted by: Sheryl | February 07, 2012 at 09:59 PM
Oh, Kira. I'm so, so sorry.
Posted by: Karishma | February 07, 2012 at 10:09 PM
This sucks. It really really sucks. I'm so sorry for the loss.
Posted by: Metacognitivethoughts | February 07, 2012 at 11:16 PM
Echoing Chana's comment above, I've been reading your blog silently for a while and I'm so sorry to read your sad news this morning. You are all in my thoughts.
Posted by: KarenV | February 08, 2012 at 12:50 AM
I am so sorry. Love to you all
Posted by: Alison C | February 08, 2012 at 03:24 AM
I am so, so sorry. No matter where you were or what you were doing, that baby was much loved when it happened. He or she knows that.
Posted by: Katie K. | February 08, 2012 at 05:07 AM
Oh my goodness, I am so very sorry to hear this. I'll be praying for you and your family.
Posted by: Karate Mom | February 08, 2012 at 05:11 AM
You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.
Posted by: heidi | February 08, 2012 at 06:18 AM
Oh, man. I am so sorry. Saying prayers for your loss and your sadness.
Posted by: el-e-e | February 08, 2012 at 06:35 AM
I have lived a loss like this one - not precisely a miscarriage, but catastrophic problems that guaranteed a stillbirth - and I am sorry this happened to you and your family.
Posted by: christie | February 08, 2012 at 07:15 AM
My heart aches for you, Kira, and the rest of your sweet family. Sending prayers for peace in your heart, love from those around you, and an understanding friend nearby.
Posted by: Crisanne | February 08, 2012 at 07:39 AM
I am sorry, Kira. I miscarried twice, before I had my other two that are now 12 & 15 years old. I too struggled with what to say, my husband didn't like the phrase "I lost the baby" because it sounded like I thought it was somehow my fault, which of course it wasn't. Take the time to grieve and allow your body to physically heal, you need it. Hugs to you from ND.
Posted by: Rachel | February 08, 2012 at 08:04 AM
So, so very sorry. You guys are all in my thoughts & prayers
Posted by: Andrea | February 08, 2012 at 08:08 AM
I'm so, so sorry.
Posted by: liz | February 08, 2012 at 08:30 AM
So terribly, horribly sad.
Posted by: Shelly in Austin | February 08, 2012 at 08:30 AM
Oh Kira! We love you ... You, clay & the kids! Your loss is so unfortunate! You are amazing parents and even your unborn child is blessed to be a part of your family! May blessings abound and comfort surround you now & always!
Posted by: Mindy | February 08, 2012 at 09:30 AM
I'm sorry, Kira. If even I, just a reader here, feel a sense of loss that I won't get to meet or know this little person through your words (the way we get to with your other children), how much greater must yours be!
Posted by: Elisabeth | February 08, 2012 at 09:46 AM
I've been there. Four times. I am SO, SO sorry!
Posted by: Sarahd | February 08, 2012 at 10:37 AM
So sorry for your loss!
Posted by: Lisa | February 08, 2012 at 10:37 AM
I am so very sorry. SO sorry. You will be in my thoughts.
Posted by: amy | February 08, 2012 at 10:45 AM
I'm so sorry for your loss.
Posted by: Pamela | February 08, 2012 at 11:26 AM
Sending thoughts of emotional fortitude and peace your way.
Posted by: BKC | February 08, 2012 at 11:56 AM
I'm sorry.
Posted by: RockyCat | February 08, 2012 at 12:11 PM
I am so so sorry, Kira. My heart and prayers go out to you.
Posted by: Em | February 08, 2012 at 01:03 PM
I too am so so sorry for you all
Posted by: Joyus | February 08, 2012 at 01:11 PM
I am so so sorry. I wish I could hug you and cry with you.
Posted by: Katie in CA | February 08, 2012 at 02:45 PM
This loss is a special kind of heartbreak, not easily nor ever truly mended. Sending prayers and hopes of peace amid the storm of sorrows.
Posted by: Susan | February 08, 2012 at 03:11 PM
I'm so very sorry. Thinking about all of you.
[slinks back to lurkdom]
Posted by: JennyA | February 08, 2012 at 03:13 PM
And, for now, being sad for you is what WE are supposed to do. Don't ask more of yourself right now.
I'm so sorry; even if I am a stranger in the computer, I can still think of you and pray for you. I hope it helps.
Posted by: TC | February 08, 2012 at 03:35 PM
Oh, Kira, I am so sorry that your baby didn't live long enough to be born and "loved on." Tears and prayers.
Posted by: Salome Ellen | February 08, 2012 at 03:48 PM
I'm a usually silent lurker, but I wanted to let you know that you have as many prayers and thoughts from my corner as you need. I am so sorry for what you are going through right now.
Posted by: Jessica | February 08, 2012 at 05:00 PM
My name is Erica, and I often read your writing because I love your voice and observations on motherhood. I seldom comment, and I didn't know quite how to convey my deep sense of loss and sorrow and grieving for you at this news. Tonight I saw this, and it non verbally summed up everything I would want to say. If you click on the link, it should take you to a photo of a sculpture recently dedicated in Slovakia to mothers who have lost unborn children. It's desperately beautiful, although it will likely make one cry. Maybe you don't want to do that right now, sometimes I find grieving so exhausting, so I wanted to make a solid disclosure of the link so you could chose. Still, this sculpture is what I want to give you, say to you, as you grieve. This, and, you have my prayers. May you feel God's love as he holds you though this. http://www.calebwilde.com/2012/02/sculpting-the-loss-of-a-child/
Posted by: Erica | February 08, 2012 at 06:10 PM
I'm so so sorry for you loss. I lost my baby at 22 weeks and I know it just feels awful. It does get easier. Slowly. But it does.
Posted by: Anna | February 08, 2012 at 06:58 PM
Hugs and prayers
Posted by: Connie | February 08, 2012 at 07:03 PM
I love you, and I am so, so sorry.
Susan
Posted by: Susan | February 08, 2012 at 07:20 PM
So so so very sorry. There are no words.
Posted by: Wendy | February 08, 2012 at 07:29 PM
How very hard and sad. I'm so sorry.
Posted by: E's Mommy | February 08, 2012 at 07:58 PM
Just keep holding each other tight and allow yourself the time to be sad. I'm so sorry.
Posted by: Tenessa | February 09, 2012 at 05:51 AM
Kira, I'm so very, very sorry. I've been in your shoes - last Spring. I lost my very unplanned, but oh so very wanted baby - my number 5. I was 10 weeks along when there was no longer a heartbeat. That sinking feeling of knowing something is wrong and then KNOWING something will never be right again. At first, I took it moment by moment. Getting up and out of bed. Getting the kids off to school. Forcing myself to eat. Stopping to take another moment to cry. Again. Then it was 5 minutes. Then an hour. It's still there - the ache of missing my baby. The sadness of not having my baby here with me. Remember to let yourself grieve, however feels natural to you. Remember that other people will say stupid things and they truly think they are helping you. Remember that Clay loves you. Remember that you are a wonderful mother - to 4 children here on earth and one angel in heaven. I have a good Quaker friend who says "holding you in the light of healing" - as a Jew, this resonated with me tremendously. So, I say it to you know - holding you in the light. The healing light. The one that will help heal your body, mind and spirit.
Posted by: Michelle | February 09, 2012 at 06:16 AM
Oh, Kira, I am so so sorry.
Posted by: Aimee | February 09, 2012 at 08:51 AM
Oh Kira. You are in my prayers.
Posted by: Jill W, | February 09, 2012 at 08:59 AM
I know it's not about me, but I just went through this twice over the last couple years. The details are really too heartbreaking to go into. But I feel your pain. My thoughts, my prayers, are with you and your family. I know there are no words. Let yourself be sad oh so very sad for your child. And yes, you'll get through it. Not over it, but through it.....
With love, Mel
Posted by: Mel | February 09, 2012 at 09:30 AM
I'm so sorry your time together was so short. My heart goes out to you and your family. I'm terribly sad for you all.
Posted by: Charlotte | February 09, 2012 at 09:38 AM
I'm so very, very sorry. Blessings of peace and comfort to you and your family.
Posted by: Sherise | February 09, 2012 at 10:34 AM
Hugs to you and your family.
Posted by: leftofordinary | February 09, 2012 at 10:49 AM
I am so sorry.
Posted by: Diane | February 09, 2012 at 12:30 PM
I'm so sorry for your loss - my prayers are with you as you grieve. God has a purpose for everything but it's so hard sometimes, I know.
Posted by: Pamela L | February 09, 2012 at 12:43 PM
Sincere condolences. Been there. The only comfort is that it was nothing you have done and no way you could have known. Wishing you peace.
Posted by: Dawn | February 09, 2012 at 12:55 PM
So very very sorry Kira! My prayers are with you and your family!
XOXO
Posted by: Isabel | February 09, 2012 at 04:10 PM
Like others have already shared, I've suffered a 2nd-trimester miscarriage, too. It is sad and awful and unfair, and I wish you did not have to taste this sadness. When you feel like listening to music, the son "Kite" by U2 was such a comfort to me. I listened to it over and over when trying to fall asleep.
Praying for peace and comfort for all of you.
Posted by: Sarah Y. | February 09, 2012 at 06:55 PM
I'm so sorry... I just had a miscarriage too. The one comfort I can add is that this baby was very well loved.
Posted by: C | February 09, 2012 at 07:19 PM
Lived this nightmare 3 years ago... I still remember the feeling like it was yesterday... feeling like my heart was being squeezed out of my chest. It helped me journal...write letters to God; and letters to the little one lost. Go swimming. Weep in the shower and on your husband's shoulder. With time the pain softens but never really goes away. XOXO
Posted by: Melia | February 09, 2012 at 09:30 PM
I'm so sorry. You and your family are in my prayers.
Posted by: Rosemary | February 09, 2012 at 11:33 PM
I am so so sorry. My thoughts are with you and your entire family.
Posted by: Mary Jo | February 10, 2012 at 07:40 AM
You know I always wondered about the blue butterfly in your somewhat monochromatic header. Now every time I see it I immediately think of it as your tiny precious angel in heaven. Not sure why...
Wish I had a magic wand to take away the pain you all are feeling.
Hugs
Posted by: KG | February 10, 2012 at 08:00 AM
Oh dear, I am so sorry for your loss. You and your family are in my prayers... all of your family. Hugs.
Posted by: Christine | February 10, 2012 at 08:03 AM
I am so, so sorry for your loss. Praying for your family.
Posted by: Laura | February 10, 2012 at 03:22 PM
I'm so sorry about your loss.
Posted by: Carrie (in MN) | February 10, 2012 at 05:12 PM
I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. I will keep you and all your family in my thoughts and prayers.
Posted by: Katherine | February 11, 2012 at 02:52 PM
I am aching.
Posted by: h | February 12, 2012 at 09:16 AM
I'm so sorry. I have read your post several times over the last few days, and every time it reminds me of the pain of my miscarriage. It was absolutely the worst experience of my life at the time.
The only way out of the grief is through it. Give yourself time. Be gentle with yourself. And thank you for sharing your story. My heart goes out to you and your family.
Posted by: Mamadragon | February 12, 2012 at 01:34 PM
I'm so sorry to hear this. And feeling very much the same, as all did not go well for me either. The weepy sadness has mostly passed, but now I'll always wonder about my last lost chance to have another child.
Posted by: Emma | February 12, 2012 at 03:36 PM
Oh my lord. My thoughts and prayers and blogosphere hugs are with you.
Posted by: The Zadge | February 12, 2012 at 10:04 PM
So sorry for your loss.
Posted by: Michelle | February 13, 2012 at 08:49 AM
That is a terrible loss to you and to your family. I almost didn't write anything because there is no comfort to offer. I am so so sorry.
Posted by: Melody | February 13, 2012 at 05:13 PM
Just wanted you to know I'm still thinking of you and praying for you and your family. Peace and comfort....
Mel
Posted by: Mel | February 14, 2012 at 12:40 PM
So sorry. I have been there, too. Also with the larger family so people said the wrong thing too often, "well, at least you already have 3." Not the baby that you are mourning now. Each life is precious and separate. Best words I heard, "It's a death in your family. Grieve. You need to grieve." My heart hurts for you.
Posted by: Kelly | February 14, 2012 at 02:33 PM
Kira, I am so very sorry. Crying for you as I type. You are in my prayers today.
Posted by: Petunia | February 15, 2012 at 10:51 AM
So, so sorry. My heart breaks for you.
Posted by: Kris | February 15, 2012 at 09:55 PM
So very, very sorry for your loss. Hugs, thoughts, and prayers...
Posted by: Kelley | February 16, 2012 at 12:09 PM