My latest best idea

There is no easy way to say this.

I've lost the baby.

I hate the terminology, you know? It doesn't really work. I lost the baby? It sounds careless. I've had a miscarriage? Hardly a word that encompasses the ultrasound image I saw yesterday, of a tiny body curled up, looking like a still baby bird, perfectly formed in every way we could see...except for the eerie stillness. And so shall I say that? The baby died? 

That is too horrible, and I can't say the words.

But I don't suppose there is any words that would make it easier. Yesterday I went in for an ultrasound, at what was supposed to be 16 or 15 weeks gestation. Clay was with me, because I knew something was wrong. I'd demanded the appointment, unable to wait anymore for my scheduled ultrasound on Thursday. I lay on the table and gripped Clay's hand. The room was too hot. 

Of course, I've already told you what we saw. The doctor adjusted the picture and asked me how far along I was supposed to be. I stammered on an on about 16 weeks strictly by dates, but my cycle tends to be long, so we thought closer to 15 weeks. It was like a nightmare, where you can't make yourself say the words that make sense. 

And on the screen, my tiny, still baby, curled up and motionless.

"As you can see here," he motioned a circle on the chest, "there is no heartbeat. The size is what we'd expect to see in a twelve to thirteen week pregnancy. I am so sorry."

And oh, I am sorry too.

I keep wondering where I was, what I was doing when that life winked out.

"It's not your fault," Clay says. And yes, I know. I know. Only...what was I doing? How did I not know? 

Last night we lay in bed, forehead to forehead, whispering. Tears leaked endlessly onto my pillow.

"Our life is good," I said, and Clay agreed. "It really is., I don't know how I will ever stop being sad and live it again."

Clay says that I don't need to worry about that right now, and that maybe, for now, being sad is what we are supposed to do. I hope he's right, because it's about all I can achieve today.



Holly Gault



Just because you can't see it from here doesn't mean it doesn't exist. Seems to me that you and I have pondered that idea, before.

Love you.




Love yall's way <3.

Lurker Jen

I'm so sorry. I've been through it, too, and there is no easy way for any of it. And with the so-called "missed miscarriage" I thought the same thing: How could I not have known? What I needed to know when I lost mine: he/she was real, and loved, and I am still his/her mother. Be good to yourself, and let others be good to you, too. Love and prayers.


Heartbreaking. Kira, I'm so sorry. Be anything you need to feel. It's unfair. Sending you all my love and holding your hand...


I'm so sorry. How utterly dreadful. Sending you love and prayers.


I am so so sorry. I've experienced the same thing, and being the mom of a larger family, you may have had the experience I had. Many people were crass - telling me I already had enough kids. I wondered how I'd dared to hope for just one more - and felt guilty for both the wanting and the loss.

Please be kind to you. I love you and would do anything I could from this distance. xoxoxo

Carla Hinkle

I'm so, so sorry.


I am very, very sorry. You'll be in my prayers.


I am so sorry for your loss. Prayers

Julie in Austin (now Colorado)

Kira, I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope you can find peace. I'm sending prayers for you and your family.

ccr in MA

Oh, I am so sorry.

I think that just being where you are is what you're supposed to do right now.


Just wanted to express my sympathies. I've been following your blog for a while, silently. Its kind of you to share such a personal story.
Best wishes. I admire your courage.


I am very sorry for your loss. I'll be thinking of you and your family.


Be sad. Grieve for the baby. You know as well as anyone that they are part of the family from the instant that stick shows 2 pink lines. Remember the family you have, include them in the sadness.

I am so sorry for your loss.


I am so, so sorry.


I'm so very, very sorry. Be as sad as you need to be, for as long as you need to grieve. Just before your post in my reader was one from Julie Pippert, in which she says,

"When you are grieving, I told my friend Devra as we talked last night---the last day of our friend Susan's life--when you are grieving, I think you are insane, a little. Devra explained to me that in Judaism the literal translation for grief is "out of your mind," and you must give space to grievers to be out of their minds.

That’s right.

In the face of loss, people deserve space to be out of their minds. And they will get back in their minds in their own time, not when people are tired of their grief and ready for them to move on."

Take your time, dear Kira.


I am so very sorry to hear this. Love and prayers to you and your family.


Oh Kira. Oh no. I have stood exactly where you stand and I am so, so, so sorry to hear this.

It gets better. It takes a long time, but it gets better. I swear.

Til then, you will be very much in my prayers.


I am so sorry the baby died. What a terrible shock and disappointment. I'm sad for all of you.


I'm so sorry, so very, very sorry.


I am so very sorry. And praying for you, with tears and wishes that it were different.


Been in your shoes mama, so sorry. Hugs and prayers...


I'm so sorry. Wishing you and your family peace.


I am truly, terribly sorry... :(


I am so sorry Kira. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.


I am so sorry for your loss. I have been there too and the sudden loss of hopes and dreams are awful.


So sorry, Kira. Praying for you.


Oh God, no. I'm so sorry. Wishing you all comfort.


Oh, Kira. I'm so, so sorry.


This sucks. It really really sucks. I'm so sorry for the loss.


Echoing Chana's comment above, I've been reading your blog silently for a while and I'm so sorry to read your sad news this morning. You are all in my thoughts.

Alison C

I am so sorry. Love to you all

Katie K.

I am so, so sorry. No matter where you were or what you were doing, that baby was much loved when it happened. He or she knows that.

Karate Mom

Oh my goodness, I am so very sorry to hear this. I'll be praying for you and your family.


You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.


Oh, man. I am so sorry. Saying prayers for your loss and your sadness.


I have lived a loss like this one - not precisely a miscarriage, but catastrophic problems that guaranteed a stillbirth - and I am sorry this happened to you and your family.


My heart aches for you, Kira, and the rest of your sweet family. Sending prayers for peace in your heart, love from those around you, and an understanding friend nearby.


I am sorry, Kira. I miscarried twice, before I had my other two that are now 12 & 15 years old. I too struggled with what to say, my husband didn't like the phrase "I lost the baby" because it sounded like I thought it was somehow my fault, which of course it wasn't. Take the time to grieve and allow your body to physically heal, you need it. Hugs to you from ND.


So, so very sorry. You guys are all in my thoughts & prayers


I'm so, so sorry.

Shelly in Austin

So terribly, horribly sad.


Oh Kira! We love you ... You, clay & the kids! Your loss is so unfortunate! You are amazing parents and even your unborn child is blessed to be a part of your family! May blessings abound and comfort surround you now & always!


I'm sorry, Kira. If even I, just a reader here, feel a sense of loss that I won't get to meet or know this little person through your words (the way we get to with your other children), how much greater must yours be!


I've been there. Four times. I am SO, SO sorry!


So sorry for your loss!


I am so very sorry. SO sorry. You will be in my thoughts.


I'm so sorry for your loss.


Sending thoughts of emotional fortitude and peace your way.


I'm sorry.


I am so so sorry, Kira. My heart and prayers go out to you.


I too am so so sorry for you all

Katie in CA

I am so so sorry. I wish I could hug you and cry with you.


This loss is a special kind of heartbreak, not easily nor ever truly mended. Sending prayers and hopes of peace amid the storm of sorrows.


I'm so very sorry. Thinking about all of you.

[slinks back to lurkdom]


And, for now, being sad for you is what WE are supposed to do. Don't ask more of yourself right now.

I'm so sorry; even if I am a stranger in the computer, I can still think of you and pray for you. I hope it helps.

Salome Ellen

Oh, Kira, I am so sorry that your baby didn't live long enough to be born and "loved on." Tears and prayers.


I'm a usually silent lurker, but I wanted to let you know that you have as many prayers and thoughts from my corner as you need. I am so sorry for what you are going through right now.


My name is Erica, and I often read your writing because I love your voice and observations on motherhood. I seldom comment, and I didn't know quite how to convey my deep sense of loss and sorrow and grieving for you at this news. Tonight I saw this, and it non verbally summed up everything I would want to say. If you click on the link, it should take you to a photo of a sculpture recently dedicated in Slovakia to mothers who have lost unborn children. It's desperately beautiful, although it will likely make one cry. Maybe you don't want to do that right now, sometimes I find grieving so exhausting, so I wanted to make a solid disclosure of the link so you could chose. Still, this sculpture is what I want to give you, say to you, as you grieve. This, and, you have my prayers. May you feel God's love as he holds you though this.


I'm so so sorry for you loss. I lost my baby at 22 weeks and I know it just feels awful. It does get easier. Slowly. But it does.


Hugs and prayers


I love you, and I am so, so sorry.



So so so very sorry. There are no words.

E's Mommy

How very hard and sad. I'm so sorry.


Just keep holding each other tight and allow yourself the time to be sad. I'm so sorry.


Kira, I'm so very, very sorry. I've been in your shoes - last Spring. I lost my very unplanned, but oh so very wanted baby - my number 5. I was 10 weeks along when there was no longer a heartbeat. That sinking feeling of knowing something is wrong and then KNOWING something will never be right again. At first, I took it moment by moment. Getting up and out of bed. Getting the kids off to school. Forcing myself to eat. Stopping to take another moment to cry. Again. Then it was 5 minutes. Then an hour. It's still there - the ache of missing my baby. The sadness of not having my baby here with me. Remember to let yourself grieve, however feels natural to you. Remember that other people will say stupid things and they truly think they are helping you. Remember that Clay loves you. Remember that you are a wonderful mother - to 4 children here on earth and one angel in heaven. I have a good Quaker friend who says "holding you in the light of healing" - as a Jew, this resonated with me tremendously. So, I say it to you know - holding you in the light. The healing light. The one that will help heal your body, mind and spirit.


Oh, Kira, I am so so sorry.

Jill W,

Oh Kira. You are in my prayers.


I know it's not about me, but I just went through this twice over the last couple years. The details are really too heartbreaking to go into. But I feel your pain. My thoughts, my prayers, are with you and your family. I know there are no words. Let yourself be sad oh so very sad for your child. And yes, you'll get through it. Not over it, but through it.....

With love, Mel


I'm so sorry your time together was so short. My heart goes out to you and your family. I'm terribly sad for you all.


I'm so very, very sorry. Blessings of peace and comfort to you and your family.


Hugs to you and your family.


I am so sorry.

Pamela L

I'm so sorry for your loss - my prayers are with you as you grieve. God has a purpose for everything but it's so hard sometimes, I know.


Sincere condolences. Been there. The only comfort is that it was nothing you have done and no way you could have known. Wishing you peace.


So very very sorry Kira! My prayers are with you and your family!


Sarah Y.

Like others have already shared, I've suffered a 2nd-trimester miscarriage, too. It is sad and awful and unfair, and I wish you did not have to taste this sadness. When you feel like listening to music, the son "Kite" by U2 was such a comfort to me. I listened to it over and over when trying to fall asleep.

Praying for peace and comfort for all of you.


I'm so sorry... I just had a miscarriage too. The one comfort I can add is that this baby was very well loved.


Lived this nightmare 3 years ago... I still remember the feeling like it was yesterday... feeling like my heart was being squeezed out of my chest. It helped me journal...write letters to God; and letters to the little one lost. Go swimming. Weep in the shower and on your husband's shoulder. With time the pain softens but never really goes away. XOXO


I'm so sorry. You and your family are in my prayers.

Mary Jo

I am so so sorry. My thoughts are with you and your entire family.


You know I always wondered about the blue butterfly in your somewhat monochromatic header. Now every time I see it I immediately think of it as your tiny precious angel in heaven. Not sure why...

Wish I had a magic wand to take away the pain you all are feeling.


Oh dear, I am so sorry for your loss. You and your family are in my prayers... all of your family. Hugs.


I am so, so sorry for your loss. Praying for your family.

Carrie (in MN)

I'm so sorry about your loss.


I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. I will keep you and all your family in my thoughts and prayers.


I am aching.


I'm so sorry. I have read your post several times over the last few days, and every time it reminds me of the pain of my miscarriage. It was absolutely the worst experience of my life at the time.

The only way out of the grief is through it. Give yourself time. Be gentle with yourself. And thank you for sharing your story. My heart goes out to you and your family.


I'm so sorry to hear this. And feeling very much the same, as all did not go well for me either. The weepy sadness has mostly passed, but now I'll always wonder about my last lost chance to have another child.

The Zadge

Oh my lord. My thoughts and prayers and blogosphere hugs are with you.


So sorry for your loss.


That is a terrible loss to you and to your family. I almost didn't write anything because there is no comfort to offer. I am so so sorry.


Just wanted you to know I'm still thinking of you and praying for you and your family. Peace and comfort....



So sorry. I have been there, too. Also with the larger family so people said the wrong thing too often, "well, at least you already have 3." Not the baby that you are mourning now. Each life is precious and separate. Best words I heard, "It's a death in your family. Grieve. You need to grieve." My heart hurts for you.


Kira, I am so very sorry. Crying for you as I type. You are in my prayers today.


So, so sorry. My heart breaks for you.


So very, very sorry for your loss. Hugs, thoughts, and prayers...

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