There is no easy way to say this.
Also, today I turned 41. I cannot think of anything that matters less.


The backs of both my hands are covered in bruises. They are starting to heal, morphing into splotches of blue and green and red, like topographical maps. I earned the bruises at the hospital on friday.

I didn't want a D&C, didn't want anything to do with the hospital or anesthesia or finality. My body didn't want to let the baby go, and I could see its point. But the doctor kept warning me with words like "sepsis" and "asherman's syndrome" and "hemorrhage." Clay told me, "I know you don't want this, and I don't want to pressure you, because you're the one who has to go through it." But I could see he was scared for me, and most of all I was unbelievably weary at the thought of more possible drama, so I consented. 

At the hospital one nurse put an IV in my left hand, and another tried to take blood from my right, blowing a vein. I don't mean to make them sound bad, the nurses, because they were so very kind. But my veins weren't cooperating any more than the rest of me was. I watched the back of my right hand puff up, and I didn't even care. I'd just seen some paperwork that described my pregnancy - 16 weeks, 6 days, and I was awash in anger that I'd never be able to say 17 weeks. 

The anesthesiologist explained that because I was so far along, he would have to consider me as having a full stomach. So after I was put under, he put a balloon in my throat, along with the breathing tube, to protect my lungs should I vomit. When I woke up, my throat was raw. For days when I spoke, my voice came out in a thin, whiny whisper. I hated the sound of it, so weak and pitiful, underscoring everyone's worry about me. 

My voice is mostly back, although I find I have little to say. And the bruises are healing. As the colors shift and recede, I find I am sorry to see them go. Somehow it seems more true to be bruised.



Nothing brilliant to say, just...I am so, so sorry for your loss. I agree that sometimes it would seem more fitting if our external bruises reflected our inner hurts. You remain in my thoughts and prayers.


I am thinking of you every day. Prayers coming your way.




SO I have re-typed this 76517652361523 times.
Nothing sounds right. There just aren't words to express the depth of my sorrow at the death of your precious baby. It doesn't make sense. It's not fair. And the heartache you must feel... unfathomable. Bruises that will fade, but never truly heal.
You're in our thoughts and prayers...


I don't know what to say except that I am so sorry, and that I am praying for you and your family. This is heartbreaking.

Jill W.

I don't know what to say either except that you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Angela Giles Klocke

Kira, my heart just cries for all of you. You have been - and continue to be - in my prayers. You are loved... <3




As someone who recently stood in your shoes, I wish I had something really insightful to offer here. However, every person heals differently. You will heal - you are healing - in your own way and on your own timeline.
Sending you hugs and prayers.


I am so very sorry.

Pamela L

I am so very sorry for your lost and your pain - praying for God to quickly give you peace and help you heal.


Oh, Kira. I am so, so sorry for your loss. You and yours are in my prayers.


Words are so inadequate, and yet the only thing I can offer. I am so sorry, Kira, and I am sending you healing thoughts and prayers.


Still praying for you...

Jilly Jill

I wish there was something I could do/say to take your pain away! I can't even give you a hug! :( Just know all of you are in my prayers


It is a terrible club we have, those of us who have known that life was inside of us and then it wasn't. I don't have any wise words for you; it just plain sucks. But you go on. And mourn that which you cannot have. And, eventually, experience again the joy in what you do have. Keeping you in our thoughts...


I cannot console you in any way, except to say that I have been there and I will be there for you in any manner than you need.

Please be good to you. xoxoxo


So, so sorry.


It is evasief to be bruised, to have visible reminders of your pain for yourself and others. I'm so sorry for your loss.


Easier, sorry.


I'm so sorry that you had to go through this, on top of your loss and grief.

Joshilyn Jackson

My friend, I am so sorry. I am praying for you and all yours.


Veronica Roth

Brave girl.


wanted to let you know I am thinking of you this morning. I pray you are able to grieve the loss of this little one and find your new normal soon. take care.

Linda Sherwood

Kira, I am so sorry for your loss. I am praying for you and yours.


Just wanted to let you know I'm still thinking of you. Take care.


I've been thinking about and praying for you and your family. Just wanted you to know :)


Hi Kira, I just wanted you to know that I'm holding you in the light- that someone you don't know is sending love and peace. I hope that time and your families love can soften the jagged edges of your heart. I picture soft, soothing hands stroking your rough heart, your inflamed emotions. All the best.


Selfishly missing you...


Just a note from a frequent reader and lurker to let you know you are still being held in prayer.


Continued prayers for you and your family.


Oh honey - I am so so sorry for your loss and for this awful experience!! I know I'm (really) late in offering my condolences but having had a D&C under similar circumstances myself (17 weeks), I know how long the emotional bruises can last. I hope you are surrounded by love right now!


Another lurker who has noticed your silence and continued to pray. I've been there, and found that the bruises on the inside never fully heal.
Tears and prayers for you.

The comments to this entry are closed.