kiwords

To: the grocery store

It is November the freaking 8th. Stop it with the Christmas carols, or I will cut you. I mean it.

To: my body

Look, I really appreciate the way you've gotten behind the job of supporting this pregnancy. Seriously, thank you. But can we talk about the boobs? Because you know the baby won't be needing those for MONTHS, right? And it seems...unnecessary to make me carry these monstrosities around until then. If you could put some of that effort into maintaining brain function instead? That would be awesome.

To: me

Yessss, I understand, I do. The ultrasound is Monday. Hopefully all will be revealed then. Until then? It will not help you to lie awake all night, trying to determine through sheer anxiety alone if your child is healthy or what sex it is. Go to sleep. Seriously.

To: the guy at the gym

Ok, look, I know you were looking at me with a dreamy, happy smile the whole time I was wielding the free weights. I like to imagine your wife just had a baby, or your sister is pregnant, and you're all blissed out on the wonder of the gestating woman. And I know I was exuding a very Madonna-like air, what with the sweating and muttering under my breath and all. I am freaking adorable. But dude, you don't know me. Avert the eyes occasionally, wouldja? Because I'm sorry to report that my portion of irritable ire just grows apace with the rest of me.

To: Clay

You fixed the steps from the house into the garage, because it was a big step down to the garage floor, and as I burgeon at the belly here I have started stepping down that too-big step with a loud OOF. So you put up a hand rail for me, and then took out the step and built a new one, so there wasn't such a big drop off. But then I came home, and when I looked at the new step I couldn't see the supports underneath. They were there, and they were steel, and you assured me that they would hold just fine beneath me. But I told you it LOOKED insubstantial, and when you stood there and looked crest-fallen, because you'd been working on the step all morning, I told you it was just logical. Which is what I always say when I mean "it has nothing to do with logic, it's a totally emotional thought, which is how I operate."

So you put a lip all around the edge of the step, completely non-functional, except that it looks so much better to me now.

You are the best.