Someday Clay can sing "Is this the little boy I scooped poop with?"

Because the only thing more fun than a visit to the dentist is reading about one.

I went to the dentist today, to get a cavity filled. Get this - the cavity was caused by old sealant on a back tooth. It had come loose from the tooth and made this little decay collecting pocket. So my CAVITY was caused by my SEALANT. That, my friends, is irony.

Ironic cavities still require filling however, much to my dismay. I hate having dental work done. I know, we all hate it. But I HATE IT. I sit there, with my eyes closed, carefully regulating my breath, fighting a panicky urge to smack the gloved hands away from my mouth. My shoulders creep up toward my ears and I find my fingers splayed spastically in the air above my stomach.

"Are you ok?" The dentist and hygienist kept asking me. I nodded as best I could and muttered that I was fine. I lied.

Besides the irrational fear, I hate the fact that I can't talk for a solid hour. Since I like to repel fear with a steady flow of inane chatter, this is highly inconvenient for me. So, for your inane chatter enjoyment, here is a partial list of the things I wanted to say.

People always describe a shrill cry as, "he screamed like a little girl." Knowing Raphael, I think that saying should be changed to, "he screamed like a six year old boy without mercy."

They sent the boys to sit in the waiting room. How sad it is that people are unaccustomed to having children around. They make them so nervous. I am sad.

The boys have come back to see me seventeen times to tell me about the argument they are having. I wish to have them committed to a locked ward. Now.

I have on the prettiest shoes of anyone in this whole building. I'm sure.

I think I might throw up.

People keep saying it's going to snow this evening. I suspect they're just being mean.

I think the idea of a Master Cleanse Diet is craziness, but am I insane for wanting to taste that drink? I mean, lemon juice, cayenne pepper, and maple syrup. That could be good, in a spicy/sweet/tart sort of way.

Speaking of dieting, I shoved a fistful of tiny 3 Musketeers Mint candies in my pocket on the way to the dentist's office. Was that passive-aggressive, or just evidence of the candy's minty goodness?

I think our former dentist actually was a quack. As opposed to THIS dentist, who is clearly very competent and also mean.

Really. They're lovely shoes.

I bit a dentist once. But I was just a child, so I can't be blamed.

Ok, I was sixteen. What I meant was I couldn't be PROSECUTED.

Dental hygienists who wear lots of cologne should be arrested.

Oh! Or bitten.

I repent. I won't bite or think gleefully about biting any dental  professionals ever again. Pinky swear.

But I bet I could kick him in the head from here. With my pretty shoes.


Are we done yet?

And it went on like that for a while. Finally I was able to gather up my children and the shreds of my dignity and head out into the world, numb-faced and mightily relieved.



Oh, Kira. Your dental hatred is so...cute. REAL dental hatred is when you decide, after your last unanesthetized filling at the age of 12 (due to your dentist believing kids DON'T FEEL PAIN) that you will never go to a dentist again. And then you don't, or at least not so far, a full 30+ years later.

Oh, wait. Maybe that's not called dental hatred. Maybe that's called dental phobia. Or dental stupidity. Or a river of dental denial so wide and so deep it's not even possible to swim across. Probably all three.


I have such a bad dentist phobia and gag reflex that I can't do anything about that front tooth that is missing. I've tried taking valium before I go but my doctor only gives out two pills at a time and that's just not enough.

So did you enjoy the sweet treats?

Vanda - GO directly to your doctor, explain the problem, and he will give you ATAVAN. Or Ativan. Or whate4ver it is that allows me to sit in a dentist's chair. Valium is fine for CLEANINGS as long as I also get gas. Without the valium and the gas I hyperventilate til I throw up.

For a procedure? I need gas and atavan and therapy after.


I, at a young just-turned-28 years old, have had two root canals (one when I was 18 and one right after I moved here a year and a half ago) and my wisdom teeth out (plus a bunch of cavities filled and other "normal" procedures). AND just a week or so ago, I sat with my mouth stretched open (literally, my lower lip split---icky) for almost two hours as I had a cavity filled and a cleaning afterwards. He apparently had to drill out the entire OLD filling (yes, I got a cavity IN an old filling) but then had to fill it up (back tooth) with this new stuff that took a while to situate. Ugh. I was so sore afterwards and had to take ibuprofen for two days for the muscle pain (not to mention the pain from him rooting around the back muscle/nerve of my lower jaw to "numb" my teeth---yeah right, "numb" as in "OUCH! That still hurts!" when he was drilling.) And THEN he had the nerve to remind me I still need the crown on the tooth that he did the root canal on when I first moved here. (I would have had it months and months earlier but the other TWO dentists I went to see about the immense pain told me I was just grinding my teeth, because --haha!--"You're getting married and are all stressed out, so of course you're grinding your teeth!"---when, in reality, I had a dead tooth that was making me cry in pain and feel as though my head would explode, which felt like when I had needed a root canal in the past, but neither one believed me. No, not even the one who had done the emergency root canal on me when I was 18.) So I had to go to a dentist I'd never met in a town to which I'd just moved to get a root canal as my first procedure, which freaked me the heck out.

All of which is explained just to say, "Oh, do I ever understand what you're saying!"

Oh, and I learned something new from the dental assistant at my current office regarding the dreaded GAGGING (especially, for me, with the cotton or the stupid x-rays): Put SALT on the back of your tongue. She keeps salt in the office just for this. I told her I didn't care if it were just psychological or if there were actually a physical reason, but it worked for me and they were able to get the x-rays without me spewing all over them.

TC: You don't, by chance, live in Illinois, do you? That exact thing happened to my dad!


I have a friend with major dentist angst that I've accompanied to the office a few times. I'd have to drive because of the drugs she had to take prior to these visits. The magic of vicodin made her quite entertaining so I used to write down all the things she would say for posterity. Next time if you need a friend to come (or a place for the boys to hang out) you should call me!

Amma Forever

I was just noticing your last 3 posts - dryer lint, dog poop, and dentists. I love how you reach that very real place most of us live - or at least visit frequently. What a gift you have! You might be the Anti-Martha Stewart (considering the material from which you draw). I would never read Martha. I would never miss one of your posts.


I had dentist phobia because, as a child, I went to a dentist who was just "old school" I guess. He was in no way gentle in any area of his treatment, and I remember having him drill a cavity out when I wasn't numb yet. I hated him. He actually said to my dad once, "Hey, it's dentistry. It's supposed to hurt a little." YIKES!
NOW, however, I go to the most wonderful, caring, kind gentle dentist in the entire universe and I don't fear having a cavity anymore. Thank God for Dr. Lusk!


You went through all that and nowhere on your list is the thought "I'm going to kill this dentist". I'm impressed.

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