Growling pains
But...I AM a poor little bunny

Can't banish the chill

There's a cold front moving in, and this morning's warmth has been draining away all afternoon. As the sun slips below the horizon, the sky is steely gray, and I can't banish the chill in my hands no matter how many cups of tea I drink.

I grabbed the phone to call a friend, and realized I don't remember her number. I have her number "memorized" in the loosely recalled manner of caller ID. I recognize it, I remember most of it, and I expect to find in in my call log.

However, as I hold the phone, I realize that her number's not in my call log. She's one of a group I've lost contact with recently. It's been a while, you'd think I'd stop being surprised.

This group was there, was always there, and I assumed they'd alway be. No fault, no foul, lives took different directions. On my best days I'm grateful for the time we shared. On my worst days I'm thirteen years old and the only one who didn't get invited to the party.

I turn the phone over and over in my hand. Cold plastic in cold fingers. I'm fighting with myself to make this one of my best days.

Outside, even the gray has slipped from the sky, and everything is black except the cool yellow glow of a street light.

I set the phone back down, quietly as I can, and go make myself another cup of tea. 

Comments

Flea

Oh. This is so very sad. I hope your hands warm up. Doing dishes in very hot water will warm them.

I moved a year ago. All of the friends I thought I'd never lose touch with - they've slipped away. One has recently reconnected, unexpectedly, but I'm too familiar with that 13 year old feeling.

I hope today is brighter for you. And warmer.

Mary Jo

I know what your going through... I wish I were invited to the party too.

Amy

This is exactly why Kiwords and Scriptus are such important blogs to me. I've been out here in LaLa Land for 7 years now and more often than not feel like that 13 year old girl. When I get the chance to peep in on my dear friends and keep up with their lives through reading the blogs, I feel like I've just been over for a cup of that tea and it banishes the ache I have from living so far away. Y'all don't stop writing now, you hear?

Oh Kira, I feel you. I moved to the States almost 7 years ago. I left all my loved and dear ones behind. I am still struggling to meet "my people" to quote Mir, and some days it is just so hard. When I went back to SA for a visit last year, I didn't fit in with most of them any more. The time apart had taken its toll and I was and am extremely sad.

I am thinking of you and feel your gray.

XOXO

Isabel

I'm sorry, that was me posting anonomously.

Amelia

Kira, this is Amelia writing to you from San Diego. I spoke with Grandpa Joe this morning and it inspired me to find your blog. I'm so glad I did! I've been reading your archives and I am overwhelmed with a sense of pride at being related to such a good writer and amazing mother! I don't read blogs, really, but I will have to start keeping up with yours. What a nice thing to be reminded of the poetic moments in the middle of mundane days. Much love to you!

Emily R

Yeah. It takes a long time for that void to heal over completely.

Heather Cook

I do this sometimes. When there's a quiet moment and I think I want to contact someone. I call friend #1 and she's out... then I call friend #2 and she's busy...

... and then I realize there's no one else to call. Surely I have more than two friends, I think. Surely I do... I'm an extrovert, I have friends.

But they aren't there. I always was the girl not invited to the party, it's hard to get over that, even as an adult.

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