kiwords

We were at the pool today for swim lessons. While we wait for the person who is having his lesson, the rest of us lounge by the baby pool. Well, I lounge, the boys splash. There are always other kids and moms – even one dad. In past years I’ve mingled with the moms, chatting while we sit on the side of the pool. But I’m kind of over the shallow water, shallow friendships, and damp butt. Plus, I have all these BOOKS to read. So I’ve remained huddled in the shade with a book during lesson time this summer.
Well, today Raphael was in a bit of a mood. A bit of a mood for Raphael means he’s fairly likely to bean another child on the head with his toy dinosaur. So I hovered at the pool’s edge, keeping an eye on him.
Inevitably, I ended up chatting with another mom. She had a tiny girl with huge blue eyes clinging to her knees. I asked how old her daughter was (seventeen months), and that started the information exchange.
“How many kids do you have?”
“How old?”
“Wow – all boys. [Say it together now] You really have your hands full.”
She remarked on the boys’ gorgeous brown skin.
“Yeah, they get that from their dad. He’s Mexican.” I replied.
“Oh? What does he do?”
“I have no idea.” This earned me a shocked look, so I elaborated. “I haven’t seen him since the divorce.” There was a long pause.
“How…how long have you been divorced?”
“Well, it’s been final for two years now.” Her eyes cut to Raphael. I’d just told her he was three, and she was doing the math.
“Wow.”
“Yup.”
There was another pause, and then she raised her chin and looked at me. I could tell she was choosing her words carefully.
“You know, my husband and I had a hard time a while ago.” I nodded, wondering where this was going, exactly. “But…you don’t just give up on a marriage. You don’t walk away.” She looked at Raphael again. “Especially when there are kids involved.”
Well, I’ve met her type before. I actually got THE VERY SAME lecture at that pool, two years ago. At that time I was devastated. Today I was…unimpressed. She has no idea what my story is. I didn’t feel the need to enlighten her. I tried to come up with some response, but found none.
I walked back to my chair in the shade and returned to my book. It’s about punctuation, and more interesting than a conversation with her.
Later I was talking to some friends about it and one of them said something along the lines of, “Well, someone who starts right in on you without any information has her own issues.”
That made me think. I haven’t talked to this woman much before today, other than the nod “hi” and “sure, your kids can play with our toys.” But I’ve caught snatches of her conversation with others, and she always seems to be talking about her husband.
He’s a doctor.
He’s training to run a marathon.
He went to medical school…somewhere. I don’t remember, being as how I don’t care.
He’s trying to fix their air conditioner, because he’s interested in how things work.
All “my husband,” all the time.
I thought about that for a while, then decided that her world must revolve around her husband. He’s her identity and reason for living (ok, I may be extrapolating a bit heavily here. Give me a break. She started it.). Anyhow, I’m sure she can’t imagine life without him. I am probably her worst fear.
Ok, so I can cut her some slack. That’s a pretty scary place to be living, and I rattled her cage. I mean, who said the blasé divorcee could come to the nice community pool?
But then I told my mom about it (not being upset DOESN’T mean I don’t chew it over with EVERYONE). She was incensed on my behalf, and suggested that that woman needs a lesson. A wee stroll through reality.
So here it is, for her and everyone who thinks they couldn’t POSSIBLY ever end up divorced.

Honey. Girlfriend. I know you think you’ve got it figured out. I’ve heard you say things like, “I don’t believe in divorce. Marriage is a commitment.”
I said the same things. Love, as my mom always said, is where your feet are planted.
But no matter how committed you are, no matter how little you believe in divorce, you can’t choose someone else’s actions. You can’t love someone else into respect for the institution, and sometimes you find your feet planted in a very lonely spot. Don’t believe in the Easter Bunny, don’t believe in Santa, but BELIEVE IN DIVORCE, Girlfriend. Because it happens.
But if your life does crumble around your ears and you find yourself alone and questioning everything you trusted, cling to this thought:
Some stranger can always come along and pass judgment on you too.