I was giving Max and
It’s snowing right now, sifting

I was at the pediatrician’s

I was at the pediatrician’s office the other day, getting flu shots for the boys and myself. I was feeling very smug, having gotten my flu shot like a good girl. Aren’t I the responsible one? Then today I read in the newspaper that they’re running low on the vaccine, and are asking healthy people to hold off on getting immunized.
Shoot.
Anyhow, while I was waiting for our turn for the shots (in a packed waiting room with kids that probably gave us the flu before the shot could work), I was thumbing through a Parents magazine. And I, um, took it home with me.
Shoot.
ANYHOW, I was reading it and came across a Q and A column about “Good Manners” by Peggy Post. One of the questions was from a mom who noticed a woman at the park letting her baby feed herself grapes. The mom was wondering how she should have pointed out the obvious choking hazard.
The response was typical for this sort of column, suggesting a gentle, inoffensive approach. If she just worded it the right way, the other mom would probably be grateful for her help.
Now, maybe this is just my guilt complex because I actually fed all three of my kids grapes before the age of two. I worried a little and I watched them closely, but I did feed them grapes.
Ok, see how I was back-pedaling there in my confession? I was trying to justify my decision to feed MY kids grapes, an event that they clearly survived. And that’s why this column bothered me. There’s a whole new morality about child-rearing. There are clear “right” and “wrong” choices, and it is wrong to feed food that are high choking hazards to kids under the age of two. No popcorn, nuts, hot dogs, or grapes. All parents know that. And if another parent is breaking that rule, it is clearly our job to correct them. Not to assume that they know their child better than we do and have the knowledge and skills necessary to make those sorts of decisions for themselves. Not to grant them their God-given right to raise their child as they see fit. We are to gently, inoffensively, bring them back in line. They will be grateful.
What are some of the rules of the current parenting morality? Well, let’s see. Don’t spank your child. Use time outs to help them learn to control their emotions. Don’t feed them too much sugar. Express your displeasure at their misbehavior with “I” statements, so as not to personally criticize them. Buy organic food. Put them to bed in fire-resistant approved sleepwear. No pacifier after the baby turns one. Make them wear helmets when they ride their bikes. And for heaven’s sake, don’t smoke – you might as well just hold a pillow over their little mouths.
Now, I’ll agree that these rules include some very good ideas. A parent who follows parenting morality to a “T” would probably do a very good job of parenting indeed. They’d annoy ME greatly, but that’s neither here nor there. What bugs me is the assumption that these rules must be followed to be a good parent. I believe parents (especially mothers – sorry) have a sense of what their kids should and should not do that no set of rules can encompass. Good parents can break the rules and still be good parents.
But for me the icing on this particular cake came later in the same magazine, an article titled “Romance After Remarriage” by Holly Robinson. It’s well written, with suggestions for easing the transition into a blended family that seem great. What would I know? But then there’s a sidebar with the heading “Sleepovers for single parents?” It talks about keeping your dating life separate until you’re in a “committed relationship”, telling your children you’ve invited your friend to spend the night when “you feel the time is right.” Then, “if your preschooler asks why this person has to spend the night, you can simply answer that adults who love each other sometimes have sleepovers so they can cuddle.”
Ahem.
Ready for some “I” messages?
I believe that this attitude is reprehensible. I feel that to expose your children to the risks inherent in a casual sexual relationship is wrong. It seems to me that's putting your physical needs above your child’s needs for safety - emotionally, physically, and morally. And I don’t feel it necessary to take moral advice from a forum that would recommend lying to your young child (unless…do people have dates spend the night just to cuddle?).
So perhaps I was wrong in feeding my kids grapes before the age of two. But I am a better mother because I can read a magazine like this and give it the response it deserves, a snort and a fling across the room.
Don’t bother trying to gently bring me in line. I won’t be grateful.

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