kiwords

I’ve decided I want to lose a little weight. Not much, just about five pounds. I figure that’s not going to be difficult, right? After all, I’ve done quite a bit of reading on the subject. Armed with all the latest weight loss information, I dove in.
Morning dawned and after the fog in my head cleared I remembered the study I had read that said breakfast eaters lose more weight and keep it off longer. Very well, I will eat. But what? I studied the fridge for some time. Perhaps I’d been a bit optimistic about the fog having cleared. Finally I settled on cereal and milk. Haven’t I read something about cereal eaters having better nutrition than non cereal eaters? I wonder if they meant cereals like “Mud & Bugs”? Oh well, it’s probably just as good.
The breakfast of Mud & Bugs didn’t satisfy for all that long, so mid morning I started rummaging for a snack. I remembered that fat is no longer bad for you – in fact some fats are downright health food. Avocados fall into this category of good fat, so I had a bunch of chips with guacamole.
That held me until lunch time, when I was out running errands with the boys. We were all starving, so I stopped at a burger joint. I remembered that bacon cheeseburgers were allowed on Atkins, and haven’t people been having phenomenal success with Atkins? I ordered a double. With fries, because the ketchup has lycopene, right? Really good for you. I’ll never have prostate problems. Besides, fries and ketchup, that’s at least two servings of vegetables, right? Everyone knows dieters should eat lots of vegetables.
After lunch the boys wanted to go for ice cream. I almost said no, but then I remembered something I’d read about high levels of dietary calcium helping weight loss efforts. Well, that sounded good. Since I wanted to be sure to stay on top of that whole “lots of fruits and vegetables” thing I had a banana split. Brightly colored produce is supposed to be especially good for you, so I was sure to ask for an extra maraschino cherry.
That afternoon, while I was grocery shopping, I found this soda. It’s called Steap, and it’s made with green tea. I worried a bit that it may have too much sugar for me in my current health-conscious state, but then I remembered. Green tea enhances metabolism. I drank four.
I was going to work out after shopping, but I remembered reading that people who don’t get enough sleep tend to weigh more. I took a nap instead.
That evening, as I was planning dinner, I remembered something I’d heard about Conjugated Linolaic Acid. It’s an essential fatty acid, found in things like red meat and whole milk. Apparently people who took this as a supplement lost weight without even trying. Well, that makes whole milk a weight loss aid. And if whole milk is good, heavy whipping cream must be better. That sounds like a fine thing to add to my efforts, so we had fettuccini alfredo.
Now, after all this attention to detail, would you believe I seem to have gained weight?
And I was so careful.