I took Carmi to the vet today, which is always good for a laugh. The vet's office seems to exist in a totally different universe, where money is reserved for spending on your pet, and morality is measured in how readily you cough it up.
I love my dog. I buy her food and never kick her on purpose. (What? It's not my fault she likes to lay by the side of my bed EXACTLY where I put my feet down when I get up to pee. I'm not TRYING to kick her, and I alway alway pet her and apologize, even though it's not my fault.) However, it rankles a bit that I can NOT step foot in that office without emerging $300 poorer. Tonight I was explaining the itemized bill to Clay, and I read the line about the "Cytological Exam" and he thought I said "Psychological Exam" and I thought he was going to be apoplectic. I don't blame him. You could come to expect something like that from the universe of the vet's office.
Anyhow. Carmi is fine. She's got some arthritis in her hips, and a bump on her leg that is probably not a tumor (shouldn't a biopsy tell you something more than "probably not a tumor"? Isn't that the POINT of a biopsy? Because I could have come up with the same amount of information without even using a needle or microscope. Wait - I DID). She needs some exorbitant blood work to make sure her liver and kidneys and whatnot can withstand the medication that will make her hips feel better.
Oh, and she has a yeast infection in her ears.
So that's good news, because it means she's not deaf, just gross.
Apparently, though, ear yeast grossness doesn't just happen, and since Carmi no longer frolics in rivers or ponds, this suggests she probably has seasonal allergies. As the vet was explaining this to me, all I could think of was the woman I worked with twenty years ago, who had persistent yeast infections, and used to come to work and graphically describe the cures she was trying, like douching with yogurt, which seems...unwieldy. So today I sat there in the vet's office, thinking about this woman and wishing I could find her and let her know that her problem all along was seasonal allergies. Um...vaginal seasonal allergies, I guess. It's possible I didn't follow what the good doctor was saying quite as precisely as one might hope.
I was also thinking that this means that Raphael and I are officially the only ones in the house without seasonal allergies, and this makes us the champions of the world. Word.
Tonight I took out Carmi's ear medicine, which comes in a bottle with a long and threatening looking dropper. I showed it to her and asked her nicely not to bite me. Then I put her in a head lock and administered the drops, muttering that if I were her, I would TOTALLY bite me.
She did not bite me.
Because she may be gross about the ears, but she is the sweetest at heart.