The backs of both my hands are covered in bruises. They are starting to heal, morphing into splotches of blue and green and red, like topographical maps. I earned the bruises at the hospital on friday.
I didn't want a D&C, didn't want anything to do with the hospital or anesthesia or finality. My body didn't want to let the baby go, and I could see its point. But the doctor kept warning me with words like "sepsis" and "asherman's syndrome" and "hemorrhage." Clay told me, "I know you don't want this, and I don't want to pressure you, because you're the one who has to go through it." But I could see he was scared for me, and most of all I was unbelievably weary at the thought of more possible drama, so I consented.
At the hospital one nurse put an IV in my left hand, and another tried to take blood from my right, blowing a vein. I don't mean to make them sound bad, the nurses, because they were so very kind. But my veins weren't cooperating any more than the rest of me was. I watched the back of my right hand puff up, and I didn't even care. I'd just seen some paperwork that described my pregnancy - 16 weeks, 6 days, and I was awash in anger that I'd never be able to say 17 weeks.
The anesthesiologist explained that because I was so far along, he would have to consider me as having a full stomach. So after I was put under, he put a balloon in my throat, along with the breathing tube, to protect my lungs should I vomit. When I woke up, my throat was raw. For days when I spoke, my voice came out in a thin, whiny whisper. I hated the sound of it, so weak and pitiful, underscoring everyone's worry about me.
My voice is mostly back, although I find I have little to say. And the bruises are healing. As the colors shift and recede, I find I am sorry to see them go. Somehow it seems more true to be bruised.
Nothing brilliant to say, just...I am so, so sorry for your loss. I agree that sometimes it would seem more fitting if our external bruises reflected our inner hurts. You remain in my thoughts and prayers.
Posted by: Heather | February 16, 2012 at 07:13 AM
I am thinking of you every day. Prayers coming your way.
Posted by: Jamie | February 16, 2012 at 07:18 AM
xoxo
Posted by: Mir | February 16, 2012 at 07:48 AM
SO I have re-typed this 76517652361523 times.
Nothing sounds right. There just aren't words to express the depth of my sorrow at the death of your precious baby. It doesn't make sense. It's not fair. And the heartache you must feel... unfathomable. Bruises that will fade, but never truly heal.
You're in our thoughts and prayers...
Posted by: KG | February 16, 2012 at 07:56 AM
I don't know what to say except that I am so sorry, and that I am praying for you and your family. This is heartbreaking.
Posted by: Laura | February 16, 2012 at 08:03 AM
I don't know what to say either except that you are in my thoughts and prayers.
Posted by: Jill W. | February 16, 2012 at 08:30 AM
Kira, my heart just cries for all of you. You have been - and continue to be - in my prayers. You are loved... <3
Posted by: Angela Giles Klocke | February 16, 2012 at 08:51 AM
{{{hugs}}}
Posted by: Tenessa | February 16, 2012 at 09:16 AM
As someone who recently stood in your shoes, I wish I had something really insightful to offer here. However, every person heals differently. You will heal - you are healing - in your own way and on your own timeline.
Sending you hugs and prayers.
Posted by: Michelle | February 16, 2012 at 10:41 AM
I am so very sorry.
Posted by: Lynette | February 16, 2012 at 10:49 AM
I am so very sorry for your lost and your pain - praying for God to quickly give you peace and help you heal.
Posted by: Pamela L | February 16, 2012 at 11:39 AM
Oh, Kira. I am so, so sorry for your loss. You and yours are in my prayers.
Posted by: Kate | February 16, 2012 at 12:19 PM
Words are so inadequate, and yet the only thing I can offer. I am so sorry, Kira, and I am sending you healing thoughts and prayers.
Posted by: Aimee | February 16, 2012 at 12:31 PM
Still praying for you...
Posted by: Petunia | February 16, 2012 at 01:40 PM
I wish there was something I could do/say to take your pain away! I can't even give you a hug! :( Just know all of you are in my prayers
Posted by: Jilly Jill | February 16, 2012 at 10:11 PM
It is a terrible club we have, those of us who have known that life was inside of us and then it wasn't. I don't have any wise words for you; it just plain sucks. But you go on. And mourn that which you cannot have. And, eventually, experience again the joy in what you do have. Keeping you in our thoughts...
Posted by: Jen | February 17, 2012 at 09:13 AM
I cannot console you in any way, except to say that I have been there and I will be there for you in any manner than you need.
Please be good to you. xoxoxo
Posted by: Carmen | February 17, 2012 at 09:53 AM
So, so sorry.
Posted by: Donna | February 17, 2012 at 04:48 PM
It is evasief to be bruised, to have visible reminders of your pain for yourself and others. I'm so sorry for your loss.
Posted by: Saskia | February 18, 2012 at 12:16 PM
Easier, sorry.
Posted by: Saskia | February 18, 2012 at 12:17 PM
I'm so sorry that you had to go through this, on top of your loss and grief.
Posted by: Emma | February 19, 2012 at 04:16 AM
My friend, I am so sorry. I am praying for you and all yours.
Joshilyn
Posted by: Joshilyn Jackson | February 20, 2012 at 08:42 AM
Brave girl.
Posted by: Veronica Roth | February 24, 2012 at 08:42 AM
wanted to let you know I am thinking of you this morning. I pray you are able to grieve the loss of this little one and find your new normal soon. take care.
Posted by: laura | February 26, 2012 at 09:17 AM
Kira, I am so sorry for your loss. I am praying for you and yours.
Posted by: Linda Sherwood | February 26, 2012 at 12:24 PM