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So...that's nice.

I know I haven't posted in awhile, and I really don't have the time to post right now, because Sophia is wailing from her crib, "Mommy mommy mommy! Mooooommmmyy!"

You can tell she's sad, because when she's not stuck in her crib or welcoming me home from the grocery store, she calls me "MOM." Like a 12 year old might. Eye roll. "MOM."

Anyhow, the reason I haven't had time to write, and I shouldn't be here right now, is that sweet little girl singing the blues in the next room. I recently told my mom that it's not so hard when Sophia doesn't sleep one night. The next day I'm tired, but I can function, and it's not so bad. The second day I'm a little stupid, but I can see my real true self from where I stand. By the third day I am brain dead and despairing of ever sleeping or thinking straight again.

Right now I'd just love to have that third-day-level of functioning. I don't think she's ever slept. At all. Ever. I spend my nights walking her around in circles, staring off into the dark until it undulates before my eyes and I wonder if I'm about to plummet into a full-scale sleep deprivation hallucination. Days find me sitting and staring at things that don't require near that level of attention. Like a shoe. Or my breakfast, which is pretty much limited to whatever food the boys have failed to remove from the table after they ate breakfast.

You know, sleep is such a mundane detail of life. Who thinks about sleep? Me. I think about sleep. I fantasize about it. Because sleep is only a mundane detail of life when YOU GET TO SLEEP. It amazes me just how much this one little part of my day can completely upend the rest of my day. That seems like a design flaw, in my humble opinion.

I just said to Sophia (who is now sitting next to me, sipping on a cup of theoretically soothing milk), "No, no. No spitting milk between your toes, sweetie." She concurred, and is now flossing her milky toes with my shirt. Two year olds are just. so. weird.

I don't know what to do. It's not like she's being awake in the middle of the night just to make my life difficult, and I don't know how to help her sleep. Today she fell asleep standing up, leaning against the couch. Okay, it was kind of funny. I may have laughed when Raphi put a Tech Deck (one of those little plastic skateboards?) on her forehead. But still. Girlfriend is off-kilter.

Clay is, of course, here to help too. But he already gets by on about five hours of sleep a night, so our deal is that he stays up with her on the weekends, and I take the weeknights. This is sort of a fake deal, because it's not like he sleeps all that well when I'm getting up every hour through the night. I, on the other hand, gleefully abandon her to his care on the weekends and sleeeeeep. I am sort of selfish that way.

A few days ago my mom asked how Sophia had slept the night before.

"Huh?" That's my standard first answer these days when asked just about any question. "Oh. No, she didn't sleep. But I've given up hope, and that's the important thing."

She laughed, but I MEANT IT. 

So I'm sorry I've been quiet around here. We're all fine, if a little tired. But the good news is that I've given up hope.

July11 003 
Hey, at least she's one tough little cookie. She's going to need that if she ever plans to have children.

Comments

Melody

I don't know how you are surviving with no sleep! Maybe you could go to bed at 7pm and let Clay put her down giving you a head start? Honestly when my girls are off kilter which happens occasionally, I give them a dose of kid's allergy medicine before bedtime. It helps them to sleep for at least 6-8 hours. I do it for two nights in a row, and their bodies get the idea and go back to sleeping a good schedule. God bless you Kira :-)

Mir

Darling, I say this with all of the love in my heart: This isn't normal. I know you have this whole, stoic "This is my fourth child and I'm not going to let this defeat me" thing going on, but this is not normal. If she's falling asleep standing up, she's not getting enough sleep. She needs more sleep, and you need more sleep before you fall asleep behind the wheel of your van. Go to the ped and explain in excruciating detail and DO NOT LEAVE until said ped offers some help. I don't know if she's old enough for melatonin or if there's another option, but you need HELP. And so does she.

Love you.

Colleen

Hmmm. Yes. I did this for 4 years. 4 YEARS. Really. Dimetapp. Just Do It.

Sarah Y.

I really, really think you could try her on melatonin. My nephew once drank a large amount of the liquid melatonin, and poison control informed us that people have taken up to 1,000 milligrams at a time with no adverse effects. I recently used it for my one-year-old to help her sleep on a long car ride, and she did fine. Really. I realize you don't know me from Adam, but I've been reading your blog for a couple of years now. I feel for you. I can not imagine how you do all you do on so little sleep. Good luck to you and yours!

Jill W.

I second what Mir said. This can't be good for either one of you. Nothing wrong with needing some help.

laura

Not sleeping is no fun. Parenting without any sleep is worse. I'll be praying you find a solution soon!

Jilly Jill

I also ditto what Mir said!! I don't know how you do what you do Kira, but you amaze me! Here's a bright thought...when you're out here, we'll do everything we can to help with Sophia so you can maybe get a little "extra" sleep!! Love you!!!

Michelle

My sleepless wonder is 3. She's my fourth kid. I keep telling myself that it's phase, all my kids went through a period of sleeplessness, eventually she'll get into a better sleep pattern. Last night I decided I've been deluding myself and decided to call the ped this morning to get some melatonin advice. This morning I put it off. If I ever admit defeat on this, I'll let you know what the ped says.
Honestly, she's my fourth kid, how could I not know how to fix this???

Bobbie

Is she crying when she wakes up? Have you done the Ferber routine? Can you send the boys to stay with Grandma for a few days and try to sleep train her? Can you put books and quiet toys in her crib (bed?) with her and tell her that she can play quietly, but if it's dark out she can't get up? Is she still napping during the day? If so, can you shorten/eliminate it?

That's all I can think of!

Thinking good thoughts for you.

Clay

Damn she is adorable in the helmet. Beautiful eyes just like her momma!

Billie

A thought to help you get sleep if you choose to not take her to the doctor about this (I have 3 kids that have never had this issue so I can't really put myself in your shoes, but my first thought is that this is not normal for a child of her age).

When I get super tired after a long day and it's not the kids bedtime (I have thyroid issues that cause me to be tired frequently), I will go into their room with them and lay down on their floor and sleep while they play. Their room is completely child proofed so I know they won't get hurt while I take a little cat nap. Sometimes it doesn't work so great because one of them might wake me up and force me to play but sometimes it works out wonderfully. I get a great cat-nap and wake up refreshed and ready to play with them.

Maybe you can try something like this with her in the middle of the night when she is awake and ready to go and you are tired. Get into a room that she will be safe in, lay down and let her play while you sleep.

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