Some time in the last year I had a GREAT IDEA. This summer, we would send Tre to CAMP! To a music camp in a whole other state! Isn't that a GREAT IDEA?
Well, it seemed like a great idea, a few months ago. I got him registered, and Clay figured out the budgeting to make it work, and Mom and I planned the trip to drop him off and Clay and I planned the trip to go pick him up, and I started telling Tre stories about how the camp works and what he'll be doing...
It seemed like a great idea.
He leaves Saturday, and it doesn't seem so great anymore.
I keep telling him the truth - I say that I'm excited for him to have this experience, and that he's going to have a great time and make so many friends. I tell him that he should stay home with his mommy, and I will make him cookies every day and he can play video games as much as he wants and we'll go out to lunch all the time and he can watch tv absolutely whenever. I say that so he will know two things; I love him and will miss him so much, and that he really doesn't want to stay here where it's safe and sort of dull.
What I'm not telling him is that there's a panic growing in my chest, like a small wild animal, like a fistful of raw grief. I know he'll be fine, I know this is a good thing for him to do. I don't know if I can survive it. I feel like I'm in a dream, and my feet won't move fast enough to reach him, and my hands can't quite grasp him and my voice doesn't carry to him, no matter how hard I scream. His childhood is escaping, and soon he will be gone. Where will I go then? Is there a detox center to help me live my life without him?
See the baby here?
He may not have knuckle dimples anymore, but he's still my baby.