Yes, I'm babbling. Blame the hormones.

Oh, y'all, I'm trying I REALLY AM. When I was newly pregnant, I read this big time blog (seriously, I'm not going to name her, but she's huge. You probably already read her), where the writer was also knocked up, but further along. And she was complaining about her weight, and she posted a picture of herself. And y'all, I'm telling you, she was a tiny little pregnancy model girl. Gorgeous. And tiny. And then she went on to point out how meaty and awful her arms were. And I'd just been looking at her arms, thinking how GREAT it would be if my arms would ever look that tiny. So I spent a few minutes feeling horrible about myself, and then I decided just to get over it.

Then I promised myself I wouldn't go around berating my pregnant body, because that's just mean. Mean to me and mean to people who think they look worse than me (biting my tongue HARD right now, because that statement REALLY feels as though it need a follow-up self critisism).

So I've tried to be nice about myself, as I expand to accomodate Her Royal Fetalness. I remind myself that I should be grateful to have the body I do, because I am decended from hearty peasant stock, and by GOLLY my body will get me and baby through the winter. If everything progresses according to pattern, I will carry this baby to within a week of her due date (but not actually TO the due date), and give birth like I'm expected back in the fields within the hour. Milk will come in, plentifully, within a few days, and I will walk around, soaking my shirts and fattening my baby and grinning like a loon because newborns are my drug of choice. How could I complain about such a body?

Oh, but people are starting to look at me, you know, with THAT LOOK. And they make comments about there possibly being more than one baby in there (note to the universe: "you're actually having twins" jokes ARE NOT FUNNY. We hate you when you say that), and the other day someone asked my due date and then raised her eyebrows and shook her head at me in response when I said March 29. YES, I'M LARGE, THANKS FOR NOTICING, STRANGER AT THE BREAD STORE. I'm so big partly because of the aforementioned peasant stock, and partly because I'm RILLY RILLY SHORT, and there is nowhere for this baby to grow except out.

PS I can't breathe.

My belly is starting to expand out sideways as well as to the front, bowing at the sides like a botulism-infected can of green beans. The waddle has arrived. I usually have to pee. I'm looking down the barrel of the next 11.3 weeks and starting to feel a little panicky. I actually cried tonight because I watched a video of a twin C-section, and I am just so, so SO grateful that there's only one baby trying to kick her way out through my rib cage.

Whenever I meet Clay in a hallway or we pass each other in the kitchen, he reaches down and palms my belly and grins at me like I've done something clever. He tells me I'm a wee little flower of a woman and claims I make pregnancy look easy. He's a gorgeous, wonderful, fabulous lie-y liar and I love him.

The other day he and I were in the bedroom, and I was changing into my jammies and trying to see myself in the mirror over my shoulder. "See, now," I grumped, "when some women get pregnant you can't even tell from behind. I'm just not that sort of woman, am I?"

Now understand, Clay is one of the bravest souls you'll ever meet. This is a man with actual medals that he earned in combat. A man who, when he cut off his finger, picked up the finger and staunched the bleeding and summoned a neighbor to drive him to the hospital without ever letting the kids know anything was wrong. He is strong.

Yet at that moment, I swear to you he blanched. His eyes went wide and he said, "WHAT? I MEAN...WHAT? WHY ARE YOU SAYING THAT?"

Bless his little cotton socks.

So that's where I am. Expanding rapidly, ability to cope dwindling at roughly the same rate, grateful for this baby and my body's generous hosting of her, and loved by a man who deserves a medal. Another one.

Comments

[Stephanie]

Hee. I'm 4'11". My daughter was 8+ pounds. I was a little roly poly ball of belly, too. In fact, I couldn't drive the last couple of weeks because my legs weren't long enough to accommodate the belly.
And end of March? Excellent time for a birthday (our boy is an end of March baby, too).
I hope the bladder kicking, not breathing trimester doesn't seem endless. Best of luck.

[Amma Always]

You are adorable!!! We can all have stern words with little Miss Martin when she arrives, about all the kicking. Then we will beam and drool along with her.

[Mir]

Um, excuse me for pointing out the obvious, but this post is BROKEN.

It's missing the picture I KNOW you MEANT to include.

Please fix it. Hmph.

[Em]

The only correct thing to say to a pregnant woman, anywhere, anytime, no matter what your relationship to her is: You look WONDERFUL! That is all. There is no need to comment on her size as big or small or anything (some people get touchy about not looking big enough - I don't get those people but I will try to play along). Especially strangers though - that is some serious karma you are flirting with by playing with the feelings of a pg lady.

Your husband is a very very smart man.

[carrien (she laughs at the days)]

lol, poor Clay.

I too am very short, and look pregnant from all sides when I get to the end. Here's hoping you can still squeeze some food in there next to baby in a month or two. :)

[Jess]

I absolutely love this blog. Im going to fold it up and put it in my pocket and keep it forever.
I am also a short little pregnant woman -due with our first girl on March 19. This week a stranger asked me when I was due, when I told her -she said "wow...you are like really big aren't you?!".....ummmm. How on earth am I supposed to reply to such a comment? I guess she felt my evil stare as she stammered and then commented "well..this must be your 2nd or 3rd child..." Needless to say I had visions of harming this woman.
ANYWAY to set the record straight I am measuring exactly where I should be. I am apparently just carrying this baby...big...or something. Needless to say I feel much much better knowing that I am not the only one getting not so funny comments from strangers. Thank you!

[momzen]

"grinning like a loon because newborns are my drug of choice"

This is one of the reasons why I love reading your blog. (I still quote you all the time about "riding a wave of boy.")

The only (completely unsolicited) advice I can give about dealing with the obnoxious comments of strangers is to immediately burst into tears and yell "how could you be so cruel?!" You know... just for the fun of it. :)

P.S. I agree with Mir... where are the photos?

[Denise]

As the mother of twins, I think I can safely say that if you really had two in there, you would be marveling at how well your body could sustain more than one little life.

Either that, or thanking the Lord that there aren't three in that poor tummy.

I am still enjoying your blog.

[jennie!]

haha so i know this comment will have nothing to do with the blog but since i can't talk to you any other way( broke my cell phone, house phone is totally crazy, and internet is down(im writing this from school)) i have to talk to you here. so i meant to ask did you ever get the family pictures from this summer, the ones of just us? well, when you do, can you send me one cause i really want to see it!!

okay i will comment you blog, i remember my aunts when they were pregnant, and you ARE small compared to them!! mind you one had twins but still, totally small!!

love you and all the boys!!