The stupid thing I did the other day

To set the scene, I was standing in the bathroom, applying makeup. I do that. You might as well know. So anyhow, I was dotting concealer under my eyes (because if I don't people have a tendency to lay a gentle hand on my shoulder and say, "how are you...REALLY?"), when I noticed that the toilet had not been flushed.

Stinkin' boys.

I reached over and flushed it, but instead of a satisfying slurpy swoosh, there was a sick gurgle and the water level started rising. *sigh* I hate this toilet. It gets clogged at least fourteen hundred times a day. Or once a week. Too often, is what I'm saying. While I was standing there, glowering at the stupid bad dumb stupid toilet, I heard a voice from the boys' bathroom downstairs. "ABANDON SHIP!" someone bellowed gleefully.

This is code for "THE TOILET'S PLUGGED!" No, really.

*really heavy sigh*

Needless to say, I swung into toilet-plunging action, this despite the fact that plunging toilets clearly falls under the category of "man jobs" shut up, Gloria Steinem, you know it does. But Clay was at work, and I was left to deal with the tragedy of dual-plugged-ness on my own, much as a pioneer woman might, except yes I know they didn't have flushing toilets, you shut up too, please.

My point is that I DID it, I dealt with BOTH toilets, which were clearly in revolt, having plotted this vile uprising, probably communicated by a complex code of bubbles through their shared water supplies. But I - the mighty pioneer woman with indoor plumbing that I be - *I* QUELLED THEM. And lo, we were all very relieved.

A few hours later a friend stopped by, to drop off two of her boys to play. I answered the door and stood there, chatting with her whilst our children hopped and yelped and plotted around us. I thought everything seemed pretty normal, but she tilted her head at me and gave me quizzical face.

"You have...some sort of...dots..." she pointed under her eyes, "right there." I gave her quizzical face right back, and swiped at my face. Like I have time to keep track of everything on my face. As if.

"Is that better?"

She shook her head, then her face lit up. "OH, it's makeup! You didn't blend..." and she trailed off and looked away, not sure if it was safe to laugh right at me.

For some reason I decided at that point to take the dignified route. I suppose that's how a pioneer woman would have handled it. I raised my chin, gazed at her placidly from above dots of concealer, and persisted in making small talk. It was a little mean, I suppose. She stood there, chatting back, trying to figure out where to look, while I surreptitiously made little passes at my undereye with quick fingertips.

Because if she saw me blending my hours-old dots of concealer, THAT would have somehow made me look SILLY.

Not my most shining moment, but I suppose I can comfort myself in knowing that I made another mom feel really super on top of things, as compared to me (which is not a sensation that should be unfamiliar to her, because she IS super on top of things, even NOT as compared to me, which, let's face it, not that high of a bar, huh?). You're welcome, Alissa! And now I can share that joy with all of you.

OR! (and I'm liking this idea EVEN MORE) you could share your tales of humiliation, and we can all have a good laugh! Aaaaaaaannd....GO!

Comments

[Laura GF]

Oh my god, I thought the dots were... well, something else, and something much worse, after all that plunging. I say thank GOD it was just concealer.

[Sheryl]

Girls are no better. It's cold comfort, but at least you know the girls aren't leaving the bathroom with a trail of cartoon flowers and blue birds.

[Amma Always]

Most of my tales of humiliation have to do with nursing, and I suspect no one wants the hear those particular tales. So I will just let them rest in peace. You're welcome!

[Clay]

You are a brave woman. I would never even consider to cross the gender boundaries and try to use concealer. Love you.

[Aimee]

I had the same thought as Laura, although I figured your blog would have been the verbal equivalent of Lysol, if that had been the case.

And I'm glad that Clay doesn't use concealer. Just sayin'.

[Groovecatmom]

Well...just this morning J. left without taking out the trash (I had gallantly offered to do this job for him, as his back was killing him) and I hadn't done it yet when I heard the truck coming down the street. I was just getting out of the shower and not fully dressed, when I thought of you, and decided it wouldn't be so bad if the trash had to wait a week. Of course, that was after I made J. plunge the toilet because it was disgusting, and Carolyn had spilled an entire box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch all over the carpet. If bad news comes in threes, I should have a great rest of the day!

[Jennifer]

Oh, honey. I woulda reached out and blended it in for you. There's no embarassment between friends!

[andi]

Delurking to share my humiliation... My first job was working at Walgreens. The women's bathroom was broken and so I had to use the men's room. My manager guarded the door for me. I finished up and started to walk back into the store when he stopped me and let me know that my skirt was tucked into the back of my pantyhose. Nothing like flashing your boss...

[Shi Keyah]

*Here's one of my good friend at her most embarrasing moment*
=====================================
Moonpies! Breakfast Pastries! Anarchy!

I am having one heckava morning, I tell ya!

I am at the last stretch of my 3 day monthly cycle and I hardly use tampons because “it’s” so light I can usually go with using a pad on the first day and then tapering off to a liner on the last day. Any female will tell you that they have stashes of feminine products they keep for emergencies and whatnot at various locations like the glove-box or in a drawer at work. The brand I use just happens to package individual pads using yellow plastic wrapping and my sister-in-law Emma told me that she called this particular brand “Moonpies” because it resembles the moonpie packaging. Anyhoosal, I brought some extras to work and keep a stash in my top drawer.

This morning I was in the room adjacent to where my desk is located and I walked back to my desk to find the CEO (!!! And he was with 3 members of the Board!!!) digging through that drawer because he was looking for the parking validation stamp and he pulls out my moonpie!!!! Wooo lawdy, I almost fainted and I inhaled really fast and choked on my saliva and started coughing uncontrollably!...and the CEO walks up to me and starts thumping me on my back!! But before he comes up to me he HANDS THE MOONPIE TO THE 89 year old BOARD MEMBER to hold while he’s slapping my back!!!! OMG! I started laughing and trying to speak all at once, IT WAS SO MORTIFYINGLY EMBARRASSING!

So you can see the visual: the aged white haired old man, holding my moonpie in one hand looking overly concerned as the CEO thumps my back, while I lean forward, reaching for my moonpie, trying to snatch it outta gramps’ hand! In the meantime the other equally aged Board member is NOT looking at me at all and is putting on his reading glasses in an attempt to peer obstensibly at the moonpie gramps is holding up eye level!!! Right at this moment the good-looking MARKeting (older but still eye-candy) guy realizes what gramps is holding and lightening quick snatches it out of his hand throws it back in the drawer (like it was burning his hand!!), slams the drawer shut and says loudly, “John (ceo), hand Pauline your bottle of water, I’ll take the Bob’s (olden guys) into the conference room and we’ll get their parking validated later.” My knight in shining armor. Wah.

CEO asks me if I’ll be okay and I waved him off and immediately sink into my chair and try to silently recover from this embarrassing episode! My face is red, eyes watering and my stomach hurting all at the same time. As I’m sitting there covering my face with my hands, Mr. White Knight, comes up behind me and says, “I thought Bob was holding a breakfast pastry until I realized what it was! You can thank my wife for making me run out to Walgreens to get her….ahem…”breakfast pastries” for her!” I will never be able to look at him straight-faced again without wanting to hide under my desk!

[kristy]

OR, how about I share a tale from my friend ganelle's life, who saw that some chocolate from her donut that morning was stuck on her pants. So she scraped it off and ate it, and...it wasn't chocolate.

[Alissa]

Oh, Kira! I just read this one --weeks after it happened -- and just laughed. How interesting that your perspective was bathed in embarrassment while I seriously thought, "Wow, Kira feels comfortable enough around me to come to the door like that. I wish I wasn't so afraid of such intimacy among friends." Seriously. I was touched. Your dots also reminded me that applying concealer that way works a lot better than just smudgng it on.Sometimes I fall into poor make-up habits...so thanks!